A Bipolar Baker?!

Good afternoon,

This is my baking blog (obviously), and since it is mine, it will inherently have fused within it my mental health because we go hand-in-hand. I am owning it.

I am: Bipolar I, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and PTSD.

I only ever discuss the PTSD aspect of myself because there tends to be a different flavor of stigma with PTSD than there is with Bipolar/Borderline/ADHD.....so I don't talk about those parts of me. Thus, the problem. I should, I need to because they are just as much a part of me. I am often told, "But Kristine! You are like the sanest person that I know! I just can't really believe that you are crazy."

Well, thanks...sort of. Uhhhhhhhhhh....my "crazy" doesn't show like you see in a movie. Well....it has on very rare occasions, and I am DEEPLY embarrassed about those moments - so we aren't going to talk about them on a public blog okay? More so, my crazy tends to show in my actions - once you step back and look at the big picture, not at the specific action. I tend to make my specific actions quite logically, and I rely heavily on logic and being rational as a means of curbing the bite of my mental health. It sorta works.....

I know what it feels like before a Manic episode is about to surge, and a Depressive episode and I mostly try to work with them and let them flow through socially acceptable channels. I channel my mania into things that have a productive value, like baking and cleaning and organizing to keep myself from spending $200 on whatever I am fixated on....and then having that become Project #2343 that I started because I was being grandiose about it, and then never finished it because I was in over my head and self-doubt came and beat me like the Whomping Willow, so I abandoned whatever project since I couldn't get it PERFECT like I imagined in my head. My depression tends to show as biting sarcasm and brutal bluntness morphed into comedy so that I can cope....because if I can't find a way to make this shit funny; then there is a problem and its probably a dangerous one.

Thus baking.

Who doesn't love fresh baked goods? The magic of baking is that it requires understanding and a skill set, and if it fails - there are specific reasons why it fails....and once the baking has begun, the final product is mostly out of my control past that moment (except for burning it, that is in my control). Even if I FUBAR whatever it is, generally I can morph it into another item. Thank you Food Network and the shows Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen for teaching me that thought process.

The thing is, I go on baking benders. Either, I don't bake anything for days/weeks.......or I bake EVERY new idea I saw on Pinterest. There really isn't an in between. So updates to this blog will likely be much the same. I also tend to fixate on new skills and make copious amounts of whatever it is, while trying to get it exactly the way I want it. Then I will enjoy a bite, and give the rest of it away because I don't want it anymore.  What? I told you I was Bipolar, this is my Bipolar and I just try to work with it because it is real and it is there.

Also, I only started actually baking in December 2016. It is currently March 31st, 2017. That means: I am still pretty new to this, I am not a baking sage, there are methods that I have not tried and likely will produce different/better results, take everything I say with a grain of salt and the understanding that this is what works for Me and that I am not You.